My fear is growing totally disproportionate to the actual reality of this situation.
Despite having started exams (Uni was yesterday) English looming tomorrow morning is freaking me out completely. Well, maybe not completely. I'm pretty prepared. But somehow my preparation and my fear stem from different planets.

The thing is, I know English. I can do English. It should not worry me. What worries me is how much I care. One stuff-up will effect SO MUCH...the magnitude of the situation is simultaneously justifying my fear and blowing it out the window.

Because my learning is not in today, or last Monday, but throughout the year. I have internalised these novels as only I can, totally personally, totally myself, and connected. So as much as the mark will effect my future, it simply reflects where I'm at. I know that I'm in a good place. At least theoretically. So...

I should trust my teachers, and their trust in me (which I also feel is utterly out of proportion - what do teachers see in me that I don't??). I should trust my learning. I should trust in my texts, and my interpretation, and my memory.

I should trust in myself.

I have no confidence
And I can't see why I should
But I could do 'most anything for you
And you know I would
I try too hard
But then I give up way too easily
I'm the runner-up inside of you
And you're the winner inside of me... - Sophie B Hawkins


What strikes me, this close to the exams that the world has been preparing me for all my life (literally), is just how many different people I consistently purport to be.

Which one of them will sit the English exam on Friday, Literature, History, Politics in 2, 3, 4 weeks time? Who is it that will walk into that room and begin to write?

I just hope like hell it's the right version, the right person.
The one who's made it through til now unscathed...

That nobody updates over the weekend. This makes sense - nobody works, so only internet boffins (which I would've thought would be many of us, actually) write their blogs on the weekend. Oh well. I don't have the time, or the ability, as this weekend I was a) studying, and b) going out having fun. Between the two of those, there wasn't much 'hmm...let's reflect on my life' time!

This weekend, I went to:
a picnic (it rained, but we were in a pagoda)
a friend's movie night (we watched Zoolander...hehehehehe!!)
study group (we talked about the book for a couple of hours, then we talked about flirting and boys. it's all good!)
a couple of memorial services for the Bali tragedy. (those were pretty depressing, but in a good way. if that makes *any* sense.)

I also stayed home on Saturday night and - having studied all day, with no brain power remaining - I watched the least taxing movie I could think of. Crossroads. Funny in itself, but funnier that I actually enjoyed it! Not bad for a no-brainer. (and for those of you that follow - yea, I *know* I said I wasn't going to watch anything until after exams, but I worked ALL day! Cut me some slack :))

Speaking of work, I should do some! Exams in less than 2 weeks...

I'm so frustrated. Even though all our history sacs are over (supposedly yay) my teacher won't stop harassing me for essays...I still have to complete politics and Uni and she won't STOP and I can't handle telling her 'no'...she keeps yelling at me...she's scary. And I just can't wait until school's over and the pressure is off until exams. I can handle exams. At least on some levels. School at the moment just feels completely disasterous, yet somehow still pretty wonderful. I never have to sit through another assembly again, or tutor group, or house assembly. (Thank god.) I just have to get through Monday...I just have to get through Monday...then things will relax somewhat. Speech Night is on Thursday...weird. Weirder still to think that I was writing these this time last year, that I wrote about Speech Night (and from such an entirely different angle) then too. Weirdest that I'll never have another one. Until maybe I have kids, then I'll be watching. Bring on the voyeurism ;).
There are some good things happening. Though it may appear otherwise, I'm really happy in many ways with school. (I pointed out to mum last night that it only took me 12 years to love school - until I only had one left to enjoy. She laughed.) Almost a pity that it'll all be over soon. Almost. ;)

what color chucks are you?
brought to you by Quizilla Recently, the craziness of life has reached new heights. I have a SAC today, tomorrow, Friday, and Monday (when I also have a uni presentation on a book I haven't read yet - wish me luck!), and I can't even really study on the weekend because I have lectures for English and History both mornings and early afternoons...plus I'm babysitting on Saturday night. However, life still seems manageable on the basis of three wonderful facts. 1. The politics SAC I was positive I had screwed up completely at the end of last term, I got an A+ for. (Biggest relief of my life!) 2. There are only 8 days left of school...ever. Wow. 3. The list for 'excellence's, or commendations, came out yesterday. (Background: this list has always been of total disappointment to my parents. I have never got enough, and never ever more than his colleague's daughter, who is, by the way, smarmy, rude, and irritating. It's been a bit awful in the past when she's gotten distinctions in four or five subjects, and I've gotten one or two. Aaaaanyway... THIS year, I got one in every subject I take. Were they proud? You bet. I feel like I finally made it, despite the fact that the year won't be over for another six weeks (it's six weeks tomorrow!). If I can do this, I can do anything! Gives me so much confidence for my exams... Oh, and by the way, I beat the colleague's daughter ;) I haven't told them that yet though. Wouldn't want to perpetuate the competition or anything...*evil grin*! Just occasionally, it's nice to gloat. (Only quietly, to other successful people though. Otherwise it's not fair.:))
what type of book are you?
brought to you by Quizilla This is nice, but...SHY!!? Just goes to show, computers don't know everything ;) Oh, and:

You are 28% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

I just like this because it has Kirsten Dunst...see, I *am* like Kirsten Dunst! At least in Spiderman :P

Sometimes you have wonderful talks with people that just make everything about your life seem under control and reassure you that it's all going to be ok. That you are capable, and competent, and ...

Those are the people who allow you to shine, who know you can and support you in doing so, who believe in you. They're great.

I am so lucky to know them. It makes me feel better to know that for every scary obsessional person I attract, I also attract a smart, supportive, funny mentor. Maybe that means I'm not such a screwup after all :)

This has probably been the least relaxing holidays ever. (Which, I suppose, is only to be expected.) From today onwards, I'm giving up TV (until the 22nd of November, when my exams are over) movies and videos. They drain my brain, which is fine when I need to wind down, but I need to be alert for the next two months :). Plus, I should be spending any relaxing time reading my texts. (I have six, plus several seriously chunky textbooks.)

Only fifty days to go, and I can only get tenser from here on in! But still...if I've made it up to here, I can keep going. Like it says on a poster on my wall:

"If you have the courage to begin, you have the courage to finish."